RupeeFall (OST)

This is the end
Hold your breath and count the Yen
See the markets slide down and then
Hear the stocks go bust, again

For this is the end
India has feared this moment
So overdue, we know then
Reserves swept away, we’re broke and then…

Let the Rupee fall
When it tumbles
We will bow down
Face it all together (2)

The Rupee falls
The Indian Rupee free falls

Rupee fall is where we start
A thousand lies and jokes apart
Where exports crumble and days are dark
[FM says ] You may have my number, you can deride my name
But you’ll never have my support or my heart!

Let the rupee fall (let the rupee fall)
When it tumbles (when it tumbles)
We will bow down (we will bow down)
Face it all together (2)

When Rupee falls…

Dollar rises, Rupee falls
Euro rises, still Rupee falls
Rupee knows it’d never be
Like the yuan, with security
With their loving arms
The Chinese keep yuan from harm
Come rest your head on my head
And we’ll bang….

Let the Rupee fall (let the Rupee fall)
When it tumbles (when it tumbles)
We will bow down (we will bow down)
Face it all together (2)

When Rupee falls…

 

Note: Now that you know the lyrics, please sing it to the tune of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic2gmrG-v1E.

P.S. I don’t sing. Unless it is Happy Birthday, which I usually am forced to sing to get free chocolate cake. Thanks for wondering.

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The Power of A Smile(y)

Scenario 1

She: Do you love me?
He: Yes
She: Why are you so terse?
He: I am not
She: Okay
He: What?
She: Nothing
He: Why are you so upset?
She: I am not
He: Okay.
<After some time>

She: You don’t love me anymore
He: Why do you say that?
She: I don’t, it’s the tone of your SMS replies
He: Baby, I am tired
She: Well, so am I
He: Will talk to you later
She: Yeah, whatever!

Scenario 2

She: Do you love me?
He: Yes 🙂
She: I love you too 🙂
He: 🙂 🙂

GAH.

Performance Appraisal

Circle the answer or answer in Yes or No. Please be descriptive, if required.

 

How happy are you with your work life?

  1. Over the top, jumping up and down kind of happy
  2. Okay, it pays my bills
  3. Meh
  4. Gah

 

 

How intellectually stimulating and challenging do you find your work?

  1. Ah, so that’s how you spell “intellechooal”
  2. I find it a challenge to get up from my bed everyday and come to work. Isn’t that challenging?
  3. Work, what work?
  4. <write your other option here>

 

 

Are you happy with your manager?

  1. Yes
  2. Yes
  3. Yes
  4. Yes

 

Do you enjoy working with your colleagues in your team?

 

  1. Oh, I have a team?
  2. Yes (some of them)
  3. No (most of them)
  4. Don’t care

 

 

Would you describe yourself as having leadership aspirations?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Don’t know
  4. Don’t care

 

 

If Yes, please describe what you think are the qualities you possess to be a good leader

 

 

If No, please describe why you think you do not have leadership qualities

 

 

If “Don’t know,” please describe why you think you don’t know

 

 

If “Don’t care”, do not write anything in the below space provided (and meet me while you leave work today)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What sort of a person are you?

 

  1. Introvert/reserved
  2. Extrovert/outgoing
  3. Introvert/outgoing
  4. Extrovert/reserved

 

 

What brand of chocolate do you like

  1. Do not have a preference
  2. I don’t like chocolate
  3. I prefer to keep it personal
  4. Anything goes

 

 

There is a balloon seller standing in front of you with 4 colors of balloons. There is a red balloon, a grey balloon, a green balloon, and a purple balloon.

If given 20 bucks to buy any two balloons, what color would you choose?

  1. Red
  2. Grey
  3. Green
  4. Purple
  5. I’d rather buy chocolate

Please elaborate the reason behind your choice.

 

 

 

 

 

In the Angry Birds game, whom do you most sympathize with , the birds or the pigs? Be succinct in your answer

 

 

 

What type of a person are you? (Please select only one option)

  1. Shy/ Boisterous
  2. Contented/Unsatisfied
  3. Normal /Abnormal
  4. Caring/Non-caring

 

 

Do you believe in ghosts? If Yes, why? If No, Why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you watch the movie Paranormal Activity?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Don’t remember

If Yes, write 250 words about the cinematographic technique used throughout the movie and compare it to Psycho

 

If No, watch the movie during the weekend and write 250 words about the cinematographic technique used throughout the movie and compare it to Psycho.

 

If you Don’t Remember, watch the movie during the weekend and write 250 words about the cinematographic technique used throughout the movie and compare it to Psycho.

 

 

 

 

What kind of a person are you? (Choose only 1 option)

  1. Selfish/Unselfish
  2. Happy/Unhappy
  3. Fearful/Unfearful
  4. Funny/Serious

 

 

Write a one-page essay on Kim Kardashian’s choice of gown at the recent Met Gala, focusing on her use of floral gloves as an accessory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By how much do you think Kim-Jong Un is overweight?

  1. Not that much
  2. Somewhat obese
  3. Tipping the industrial weighing scales
  4. Who is he?

 

 

Are you a good team player?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Sometimes, when I feel like it
  4. I’m not part of any team

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

  1. Can’t, I’m shortsighted
  2. Won’t, it’s personal
  3. Would, but won’t tell you
  4. Could, but won’t tell you

Please use the below space to write a 500-word essay using the word “hippopotamus” as a key mental imagery tool. Usage of the words “flamingo” and “doobedudaabedy doo” as adjectives will earn extra bonus points

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please stop writing. Thank you

 

 

 

 

 

Enough, that’s it.

 

 

I’m snatching away the paper now

 

 

Disclaimer

Thank you for taking the time to fill out your personal appraisal form. Please note that this exercise is invaluable as it not only gives us an insight into the human that is you, but also helps us use one-sided sheets for a good cause.

Due to recession, there will be no salary hikes this year as well, continuing a 35-year trend.

 

 

SentOhSa

 

So this happened like a year back. Some of us from our office were selected to attend a training in Singapore (psst here comes the “yeah, of course I’ve been to a foreign country” insinuation). We were to be there for a grand total of four days and since the entire group consisted of girls, we had a whale of a time planning where all to go and what all to see. Plans were made and cab fares were studiously calculated. Since we were to spend 4 nights there, the itinerary was drawn up as follows: Clark Qay/Boat Qay, Night Safari, Sentosa, Chinatown. I will not burden you with all the stuff we did the first two days (The item of importance here is the Sentosa Island.) We were bursting with excitement at all the pictorials on the official website. It looked like a wonderland. There was a cable car that you could take to reach the island. It cost about S$35 I think… Again frantic calculations were made, and we decided to go via cable car ride anyway. “It’ll be fun,” my colleague said excitedly. “It better be,” I prayed.

So we reached Sentosa via cable car. I remember being really excited that it was an Angry Birds Cable Car Ride. Note the point that I never ever played Angry Birds before in my life. But that didn’t stop me from falling in love with the winged creatures. Once we bought the tickets, we were handed a complimentary drink, a sipper with a suspicious looking red-colored liquid, and were told to wait. We did. I did not touch the drink, but kept bugging my colleagues to finish theirs so I could empty the contents of my drink and take the sipper as a souvenir back home (it was an Angry Birds sipper, in my defense).

The cable car ride was, well, frightening. It did not help that the cab driver who took us to Sentosa kept telling us of all the accidents that happened on Sentosa Island, in chronological order. He also helpfully supplied us with the very vital information that some people died when a cable car snapped and fell down. So you must understand how jittery we all were. The Carpenters’ “Close to You” was on repeat in the cable car that we travelled. Did not help much, I must add.

Soon we reached Sentosa, the “so-called” baap of all entertainment spots in Singapore. But I was quite underwhelmed because all we could see were just dragons and snakes; well it would’ve been interesting atleast if they were real. The Merlion was a bright spot, but then I lost hope when no one could take a picture of me with the head of the Merlion showing in the background. I’m still stuck with tens of photos of myself grinning like an idiot in the backdrop of a large curvy wall of concrete.

“We should get to the Sentosa beach!” someone suggested. We all nodded our heads in unison and proceeded in the general direction of the sea. We reached what looked like a timid lake, and took turns rolling our eyes. But the sand was clean, there were not a lot of tourists around for some reason, and we thankfully rested our tired feet. I decided to take a walk around the beach. But to my horror, there were about seven couples sitting behind us, all in various stages of, um, intense tongue action. I hurriedly traced back my steps and told our group not to look back. They all turned their heads back in unison (of course they did), and faces became red. “Is this some kind of a lover’s point?” one girl innocently suggested. We shot daggers at her, and she receded back to silence.

We remained still for an awkward 10 minutes, a group of girls with reddening faces, not able to turn back and retrace our steps. “Would it be uncivilized to walk between couples who are kissing? Is that, like against the law? Would we be fined? How do they hold their breath like that while kissing?” were some of the thoughts that were on my mind. That was the first (and until now, I think, the only time) the bunch of us saw non-TV/movie-type, real-couple kissing. We sat there, silent, for about an hour until sunset, watching so-called “waves” (they were actually ripples) and then made our way back to the cab stand, intently studied different constellations in the sky, avoiding the, em, “action” going on all around. “Not very fun eh?” one of the girls commented, during the ride back to the hotel. We nodded, tired and sleepy, none of us wanting to admit that, we indeed learned an important lesson that day: Never trust professional photography.

Being Ma(u)lled

Okay, I hate malls. I find them to be the most unproductive man-made structures ever created on earth. Even worse than the concept of marriage, so to speak. I do not find any charm whatsoever in going to a mall, wasting a very expensive, non-renewable source for an hour just to find a parking spot, fighting off blood-thirsty contenders for that precious parking spot, then totally ignoring the weird omnipresent smell of chicken that seems to permeate each and every column of the basement parking lot, walking a thousand miles to reach the main shopping center, and then what? Loitering around aimlessly for about three hours until you are so weak in your knees that all you ever want is to flop back in your precious torn sofa and sleep.

So I’m not this Robin Sharma type person who is constantly berating people to have some aim in life. I would love nothing more than wandering aimlessly somewhere. Actually, that was what I wrote in the “My Aim” part of many high school slam books. “Be aimless.” But I want to wander aimlessly somewhere in tune with nature. Like on a beach. Not in a place where recycled air is pumped in, and it smells of chicken everywhere I go, and a tub of ice cream costs one-day’s salary.

Nevertheless, I visit malls more often that I would want to. It’s like the “hip” thing to do right now in India, I guess? Go to a newly opened mall, spend sometime in the sweltering heat inside (because, face it, there is no power and centralized AC is just a term) get jostled and elbowed by people who you don’t (want to) know, and pay through your nose for a cup of coffee that anyway tastes  really, well, like mud mixed with water, keep walking aimlessly until you can count the bones in your body and then come back home and watch Fightclub, oohing and aahing simultaneously at the pain in the joints and at a shirtless Brad Pitt .

Coming from a place where there is really not much to do than keep looking at the clock and see when the mandatory 2-hour power cut is due, I am left with very few options. I can either go to the beach or to a mall. Both have parking space shortages, and both usually smell (former like fish, latter like chicken). But atleast, on a beach, I can watch the waves. In a shopping mall, I get flustered enough navigating the escalators that I usually break down more than the machines.  And don’t even get me started with the “shopping” part of a shopping mall. Well, let me put it this way: Nobody watches Baywatch to finetune their life-saving skills.

Boy Boy

Yesterday was a milestone in the area of Indian girl rights. Yes, you read that right. My mom agreed that I’d have a “love” marriage (as opposed to, say, a “non-love” marriage). She had been furiously searching grooms for the past one year, someone who’d respect me, care for me and watch cricket (and surreptitiously, Fashion TV) all round the clock in the hospital reception TV as I battle for my life in the ICU during the last days. Whatever. I said “no” each time she showed a picture of a prospective serial cricket watcher. (Actually I never did look at the photographs clearly. Okay, I was lying. I did, but didn’t want to get married to an utter stranger.) My dad thought I was being narcissistic and sat down and patiently explained to me that it is the inner beauty that matters. “Ok, so why didn’t I win the Miss Universe contest?” I shot back. He fell silent, and never brought up the marriage topic ever again.

Yesterday, mom decided enough was enough. And so did I. We both decided to end the search mutually. Her search, I mean. Not mine. (Are you kidding me?) And then, as I was preparing to go to sleep, she wearily asked me to search a guy for myself.

“You know, you should have found someone for you while you were in college,” she advised me.
“Too late for that, eh?” I murmured, as I thought of all the sleepless nights I spent, crying silently for my parents to come and take me home from the college hostel. Precious time lost that could have been put to good use.
“Hmm,” she said.
“You should go out and meet people,” she said as a matter of fact.
“Hmm,” I said, not at all liking the way she insinuated that I did not have a “social” life. Okay, I didn’t, but she didn’t have to be so, “in your face” about it.
“Then maybe, you would find someone,” she continued undeterred.
Not at all liking the way the conversation was panning out, I decided to redeem myself of the however-little self-respect I had left.
“You know I’ve been seeing someone…” I mentioned casually.
“Oh,” was her only reply. Gotcha!
“What’s his name?”
Didn’t see that one coming.
“Boy,” I blurted. (I honestly didn’t know why I said that.)
“Oh, what’s his first name?” she enquired.
“Boy,” I said again, and fervently wished I’d sink into a hole under the ground right then.
“Boy as in BYE or BOY?” my mom asked sweetly.
“B.O.Y,” I spelt out patiently.
“Hmm… Boy Boy,” she repeated to herself. I sunk back lower and lower into the ground.
“So what does he do?” she continued.
“Err hmmm, work,” I said.
“Yeah, what kind of work?” she pursued doggedly.
“Office work…” I replied, cringing and mentally facepalming myself a million times.
“Hmm.. ‘Boy Boy’ who does ‘office work’…why don’t you ask him to come and meet us sometime?” she suggested.
“Yeah, eventually,” I croaked, unable to bear the humiliation anymore.
“Good,” she said.
I didn’t reply, because I was fake sleeping by then.

So much for girl rights. Gah!

Fooling around in April

Frankly, if you ask me, April Fool’s Day is the most dangerous of all days ever celebrated in the history of mankind. Seriously. It is more dangerous than the “Feeding Men to Lions” day, celebrated with great gusto in the Roman Empire. More dangerous than the “Feeding Mice to Snakes and Vice Versa” day, still celebrated clandestinely in some parts of North and South America, and Asia, And Africa, and Antarctica. And Europe. And on the moon.

Still not convinced? Well here’s a scenario.

Let’s say Kim Jong-un decides to nuke the world today. Imagine how the conversation would pan out

 

North Korea: We are nuking the world

Rest of World (ROW):  What the… Oh, it’s April 1.

North Korea: No really, see, we have aimed rockets in the general direction of the entire world (shows live TV feed of rockets in launch position).

ROW: What the… Oh, nice try! The dummy rockets look so real!

North Korea: Swearing in North Korean at the general world

ROW: Wahahaha. Pseudo-swearing. Love it! So dramatic…

North Korea: Seriously guys, you are getting on our nerves and we are this close to getting our men on our unmanned rockets

ROW: Hahahahahaa

North Korea: Attack!

 

BLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUTBLACKOUT

 

And that’s how the world came to an end.

Now who’s looking foolish?

Eh?