Performance Appraisal

Circle the answer or answer in Yes or No. Please be descriptive, if required.

 

How happy are you with your work life?

  1. Over the top, jumping up and down kind of happy
  2. Okay, it pays my bills
  3. Meh
  4. Gah

 

 

How intellectually stimulating and challenging do you find your work?

  1. Ah, so that’s how you spell “intellechooal”
  2. I find it a challenge to get up from my bed everyday and come to work. Isn’t that challenging?
  3. Work, what work?
  4. <write your other option here>

 

 

Are you happy with your manager?

  1. Yes
  2. Yes
  3. Yes
  4. Yes

 

Do you enjoy working with your colleagues in your team?

 

  1. Oh, I have a team?
  2. Yes (some of them)
  3. No (most of them)
  4. Don’t care

 

 

Would you describe yourself as having leadership aspirations?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Don’t know
  4. Don’t care

 

 

If Yes, please describe what you think are the qualities you possess to be a good leader

 

 

If No, please describe why you think you do not have leadership qualities

 

 

If “Don’t know,” please describe why you think you don’t know

 

 

If “Don’t care”, do not write anything in the below space provided (and meet me while you leave work today)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What sort of a person are you?

 

  1. Introvert/reserved
  2. Extrovert/outgoing
  3. Introvert/outgoing
  4. Extrovert/reserved

 

 

What brand of chocolate do you like

  1. Do not have a preference
  2. I don’t like chocolate
  3. I prefer to keep it personal
  4. Anything goes

 

 

There is a balloon seller standing in front of you with 4 colors of balloons. There is a red balloon, a grey balloon, a green balloon, and a purple balloon.

If given 20 bucks to buy any two balloons, what color would you choose?

  1. Red
  2. Grey
  3. Green
  4. Purple
  5. I’d rather buy chocolate

Please elaborate the reason behind your choice.

 

 

 

 

 

In the Angry Birds game, whom do you most sympathize with , the birds or the pigs? Be succinct in your answer

 

 

 

What type of a person are you? (Please select only one option)

  1. Shy/ Boisterous
  2. Contented/Unsatisfied
  3. Normal /Abnormal
  4. Caring/Non-caring

 

 

Do you believe in ghosts? If Yes, why? If No, Why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you watch the movie Paranormal Activity?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Don’t remember

If Yes, write 250 words about the cinematographic technique used throughout the movie and compare it to Psycho

 

If No, watch the movie during the weekend and write 250 words about the cinematographic technique used throughout the movie and compare it to Psycho.

 

If you Don’t Remember, watch the movie during the weekend and write 250 words about the cinematographic technique used throughout the movie and compare it to Psycho.

 

 

 

 

What kind of a person are you? (Choose only 1 option)

  1. Selfish/Unselfish
  2. Happy/Unhappy
  3. Fearful/Unfearful
  4. Funny/Serious

 

 

Write a one-page essay on Kim Kardashian’s choice of gown at the recent Met Gala, focusing on her use of floral gloves as an accessory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By how much do you think Kim-Jong Un is overweight?

  1. Not that much
  2. Somewhat obese
  3. Tipping the industrial weighing scales
  4. Who is he?

 

 

Are you a good team player?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Sometimes, when I feel like it
  4. I’m not part of any team

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

  1. Can’t, I’m shortsighted
  2. Won’t, it’s personal
  3. Would, but won’t tell you
  4. Could, but won’t tell you

Please use the below space to write a 500-word essay using the word “hippopotamus” as a key mental imagery tool. Usage of the words “flamingo” and “doobedudaabedy doo” as adjectives will earn extra bonus points

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please stop writing. Thank you

 

 

 

 

 

Enough, that’s it.

 

 

I’m snatching away the paper now

 

 

Disclaimer

Thank you for taking the time to fill out your personal appraisal form. Please note that this exercise is invaluable as it not only gives us an insight into the human that is you, but also helps us use one-sided sheets for a good cause.

Due to recession, there will be no salary hikes this year as well, continuing a 35-year trend.

 

 

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In Conversation with: Kim Jong-Un

North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un grants exclusive interview to The Nonexistent Times newspaper!

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In the most unexpected coup of sorts, the reclusive and insanely cherubic North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un agreed to grant an exclusive interview to The Nonexistent Times at his residence in Pyongyang, North Korea, touching upon the various aspects of his rule and ambition in the most secluded country in the world. However, The Nonexistent Times reporter was already haggard by the time he touched Pyongyang airport, due to an in-flight flooding incident in the state-run North Korean Nuclear Airways jet coupled with the mandatory emergency landing (involving inflated rubber boats) that all North Korean planes use to land even during non-emergencies. As a result, there was a sign language miscommunication with the North Korean officials, and our reporter was not provided with an interpreter who could translate North Korean to English, nor was there a computer available nearby (or far away) to Google Translate what was being said. The dictator had to resort to communicating using hand signs for replying to the questions put forward by TNT, since he could understand English but refused to speak in the language, emphatically stating “America! Traitors!” before calming down by eating a Hershey’s almond nugget.
A transcript of the resulting interview, touted as one of the landmark points in journalism history, is reproduced here.

The Nonexistent Times (TNT): This is unreal! Our publication is privileged to meet with you and step inside your country, a privilege you have offered until now only to Chinese officials and people dressed as Walt Disney characters. Thank you for the honor.

Kim Jong-Un (KJU): Waves hands and smiles beatifically.
(This above gesture was misinterpreted by his aides as “Execute this traitor in front of me”, who diligently proceeded to escort the TNT reporter to the backyard where a firing squad lay await. KJU at once directed an angry torrent of North Korean at the officials, thereby saving TNT reporter’s life)

TNT (rattled by the close brush with death): Well, um… it has been a year since your father Kim Jong-il passed away. Do you still miss your dad?

KJU: Makes a crying face, then laughing manically, then again makes a crying face.

TNT (perplexed): Um, okay, I take that you are yet to overcome your grief and resort to frequent mood swings?

KJU: Nods his head and then suddenly winks conspiratorially at the reporter.

(Sounds of gunfire echo from the backyard, startling the reporter again)

TNT (hurriedly moves to next question): So, what plans do you have for the North Korean people? Would you like to bring in reforms that would benefit your people? What are the difficulties that North Korea faces as the most isolated state in the world?

KJU: Shrugs his shoulders, throws up his hands, and looks up at the sky.

TNT: So you mean to say, you have no idea about the present or future of the country or your people?

KJU: Vigorously nods his head and giggles.

TNT: Umm… okay. So Pyongyang is now labelled as the most dangerous city in the world. You are building a nuclear arsenal and frequently launching rockets into space. Where do you think all this is going to end?

KJU: Face lights up. Points to a world map nearby and makes a series of gestures, showing nuclear missiles taking off from Pyongyang and striking the world. Also makes a really good impression of bomb explosions in all countries of the world (except China), patiently pointing out the rocket trajectory to each country in the world map and excitedly saying “Boom!”

TNT (after impatiently waiting for 3 hours and getting nervous due to persistent sound of gunfire coming from backyard): Fine, fine. I get it. You want to nuke the world! You don’t have to point out EVERY country in the world and show the rocket trajectory.

KJU : Smiles and says “Boom!” one more time and giggles.

TNT (unable to stop smiling): You are very cute, I give you that. Now, going back to your nuclear plans…

KJU (interrupts): Boom!

TNT: ..Yes, yes. “Boom.” That’s what we were talking about. What will you do after the entire world is wiped out? What will happen to North Korea? What plans do you have for the future of your country, and a nuclear-attacked world?

KJU: Claps his hand in excitement, utters the word “Disneyland!” again and again.

TNT (unbelievingly): You want to turn the whole world into a Disneyland?

KJU: Nods his head gleefully and claps his hand excitedly.

TNT (in tears) I love Disneyland!! Where do I sign up to become a North Korean citizen?!

KJU: Pats his head and leads him to the backyard…

TNT (realizing where he was being lead to): Wait… Hey wait! No! Why are you taking me to the backyard? Wait I’…

!Transcript abruptly cut off due to technical difficulties!

Editor’s Note: Our TNT correspondent has been missing ever since the above-published transcript was received via pigeon mail from Pyongyang. Initial reports suggest he has defected to North Korea. Further reports state there no such person ever existed in the world.

Just so you know

You are not the only one in this world thinking

  1. “My day  is the turning out to be the epitome of  bad”
  2. “Who is Justin Beiber? And what’s with the screaming”?
  3. “I’d jump from a running bullet train rather than hear Rebecca Black singing about the days of the week one more time”
  4. “No Mr RJ, it is not a beautiful morning. I am sick to the stomach and I have a presentation to make at the office”
  5. “God, why do I never get a parking space at once?”
  6. “I have the worst neighbours in the whole wide world”
  7. “I have 345 friend in Facebook and I do not know who they are”
  8. “Oops I just backended a Benz”
  9. “Orlando Bloom is hot, Orlando Bloom is hot…”
  10. “When is the next movie of Twilight series coming so I can run in the opposite direction of the movie theatre”

Love

“Am I right in doing this?” he wondered, as she walked toward him, radiantly beautiful, arm-in-arm with her proud father.

He realized that the small voice in his head was back again. He valiantly tried burying the nagging voice deep inside his brain, and spectacularly failed.

“Oh my God, I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t… I am not meant to…” the voice that only he could hear started growing more and more loud. He started perspiring, and his crisp white shirt bore evidence of his discomfort. He was standing in a small platform in the middle of a swimming pool. He could sense a hundred eyes poring at the back of his neck.

She looked at him, and her brows knitted for a second. Of course, she knew something was wrong. But then she gave him a reassuring smile, and as always, she managed to take his breath away. Once he caught his breath, he smiled back, a little unsure, his inner voice now practically hollering “no, No, NO!”

He waited. Gary, his best friend, was standing next to him, dressed to perfection, holding the two tiny boxes that were going to change his life. He gritted his teeth. “I never should have agreed to this. This is not me…” Random thoughts again started whirling in his head. The shrill voice inside his brain didn’t help either. He mumbled an answer when an elderly man standing beside asked him a question.

On cue, Gary proceeded to the makeshift platform. And then it all seemed to happen in slow motion.

Gary, in his impeccable suit, tripped and fell on the elderly man standing in the middle, whose shoes caught the hem of her dress. All three tumbled headlong into the pool.

There was total silence. He was stunned and the small voice suddenly vanished, accentuating the silence around him.

She was a total mess. Her perfectly coiffured hair now hung in limp strands around her face. The wet dress bunched up about her, almost as an afterthought. He rushed to her side and lifted her up, hoping she would not get teary eyed at the humiliation. To his surprise, her eyes were twinkling as she resumed her position on the stage, in all wetness. What started as a small widening of her lips turned into uncontrollable giggles. Soon the swimming pool reverberated with sounds of hearty laughter. And then the realization hit him. He loved her.

As the elderly man repeated the question, he answered “I do.”

And this time it was loud and clear.

 

Inspired from

The Proposal

“Will you marry me?,” he asked, as a matter of fact

Her eyes widened, the coffee cup hanging precariously at the edge of her entwined fingers, threatening to fall down at any moment.

She had thought of this moment for the past 5 years. Hell, she had rehearsed her reply a hundred times in front of the mirror. Just like the heroines in those romcoms she religiously watched on cable television during weekends, she would raise her eyes to him, nodding her head curtly, not betraying her happiness.

In reality, she could only mutter an incoherent “Eh”?

Not very romcomatic

“With the risk of being rejected twice, I’m asking you,  will you marry me?” he patiently asked, his eyes now fixed on hers.

“I umm.. what?” was her exact reply. “ I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes would be a perfect answer,” he volunteered

“Why?” she defiantly asked, a fraction of her brain now returning to work

“So we can get hitched, have children, fight with each other, crib about one another’s relatives, pay bills, watch tv, and grow old together” he replied.

“That is either the most romantic or the most unromantic proposal ever” she smiled

“So?” he looked at her with questioning eyes, she could see that the matter of factness was replaced by a searching look.

She took her time, her eyes rose to him, and she nodded curtly, trying hard not to betray her happiness….

From Bata chappals to Louboutin heels

What was once Madras is now Chennai. So, it was only a matter of time before “chappals” became “sandals.” Once a lowly accessory that prevented feet from getting hurt, it  has now morphed into a statement of fashion and affluence. I remember the days when buying shoes (inevitably in nearest Bata stores with inviting “Rs99.9999 only!” signs) involved only 2 things: size and price. Now, a whole lot of analytical data have to be gathered, processed, PowerPoint presentations made, urgent meetings set up, and budget plans drawn to find the right pair of shoes for the right occasion. And then there is the inevitable dread of some other female wearing the same footwear! Ah the difficulties of being a product of XX chromosomes are just one too many! Also, not a lot of people actually walk these days. So it doesn’t matter if every step wearing your new Christian Louboutins or Jimmy Choos is just pure agony. It’s fashion dahling! And that explains all the tottering and falling on the sidewalks of Chennai. According to (made-up!) statistics , every woman who walks wearing heels falls at least 40 times every year! Not very surprising considering the fact that even the few steps that Indian women walk literally on air (Nine inch nails is passe , welcome to nine inch heels!) happen to be on potholes, drainage lids that have not been fully closed,and  broken slabs of concrete doubling as pavements. And for that I salute the indomitable spirit of Chennai women. We may fall, but we always rise up (and purchase another pair of heels on sale!). Move over Heidi Klum! Urban Indian heels is on its march!