North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un grants exclusive interview to The Nonexistent Times newspaper!
In the most unexpected coup of sorts, the reclusive and insanely cherubic North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un agreed to grant an exclusive interview to The Nonexistent Times at his residence in Pyongyang, North Korea, touching upon the various aspects of his rule and ambition in the most secluded country in the world. However, The Nonexistent Times reporter was already haggard by the time he touched Pyongyang airport, due to an in-flight flooding incident in the state-run North Korean Nuclear Airways jet coupled with the mandatory emergency landing (involving inflated rubber boats) that all North Korean planes use to land even during non-emergencies. As a result, there was a sign language miscommunication with the North Korean officials, and our reporter was not provided with an interpreter who could translate North Korean to English, nor was there a computer available nearby (or far away) to Google Translate what was being said. The dictator had to resort to communicating using hand signs for replying to the questions put forward by TNT, since he could understand English but refused to speak in the language, emphatically stating “America! Traitors!” before calming down by eating a Hershey’s almond nugget.
A transcript of the resulting interview, touted as one of the landmark points in journalism history, is reproduced here.
The Nonexistent Times (TNT): This is unreal! Our publication is privileged to meet with you and step inside your country, a privilege you have offered until now only to Chinese officials and people dressed as Walt Disney characters. Thank you for the honor.
Kim Jong-Un (KJU): Waves hands and smiles beatifically.
(This above gesture was misinterpreted by his aides as “Execute this traitor in front of me”, who diligently proceeded to escort the TNT reporter to the backyard where a firing squad lay await. KJU at once directed an angry torrent of North Korean at the officials, thereby saving TNT reporter’s life)
TNT (rattled by the close brush with death): Well, um… it has been a year since your father Kim Jong-il passed away. Do you still miss your dad?
KJU: Makes a crying face, then laughing manically, then again makes a crying face.
TNT (perplexed): Um, okay, I take that you are yet to overcome your grief and resort to frequent mood swings?
KJU: Nods his head and then suddenly winks conspiratorially at the reporter.
(Sounds of gunfire echo from the backyard, startling the reporter again)
TNT (hurriedly moves to next question): So, what plans do you have for the North Korean people? Would you like to bring in reforms that would benefit your people? What are the difficulties that North Korea faces as the most isolated state in the world?
KJU: Shrugs his shoulders, throws up his hands, and looks up at the sky.
TNT: So you mean to say, you have no idea about the present or future of the country or your people?
KJU: Vigorously nods his head and giggles.
TNT: Umm… okay. So Pyongyang is now labelled as the most dangerous city in the world. You are building a nuclear arsenal and frequently launching rockets into space. Where do you think all this is going to end?
KJU: Face lights up. Points to a world map nearby and makes a series of gestures, showing nuclear missiles taking off from Pyongyang and striking the world. Also makes a really good impression of bomb explosions in all countries of the world (except China), patiently pointing out the rocket trajectory to each country in the world map and excitedly saying “Boom!”
TNT (after impatiently waiting for 3 hours and getting nervous due to persistent sound of gunfire coming from backyard): Fine, fine. I get it. You want to nuke the world! You don’t have to point out EVERY country in the world and show the rocket trajectory.
KJU : Smiles and says “Boom!” one more time and giggles.
TNT (unable to stop smiling): You are very cute, I give you that. Now, going back to your nuclear plans…
KJU (interrupts): Boom!
TNT: ..Yes, yes. “Boom.” That’s what we were talking about. What will you do after the entire world is wiped out? What will happen to North Korea? What plans do you have for the future of your country, and a nuclear-attacked world?
KJU: Claps his hand in excitement, utters the word “Disneyland!” again and again.
TNT (unbelievingly): You want to turn the whole world into a Disneyland?
KJU: Nods his head gleefully and claps his hand excitedly.
TNT (in tears) I love Disneyland!! Where do I sign up to become a North Korean citizen?!
KJU: Pats his head and leads him to the backyard…
TNT (realizing where he was being lead to): Wait… Hey wait! No! Why are you taking me to the backyard? Wait I’…
!Transcript abruptly cut off due to technical difficulties!
Editor’s Note: Our TNT correspondent has been missing ever since the above-published transcript was received via pigeon mail from Pyongyang. Initial reports suggest he has defected to North Korea. Further reports state there no such person ever existed in the world.