A first-time director waits outside to give a one-line story to the greatest actor who (n)ever acted in the history of Tamil cinema
The First-time director (FD) is called in:
Vijay: Let me at the outset tell you that I am not interested in the run-of-the-mill story. Edhavadhu pudhusa, differenta pannanum. It should be a trendsetter in world cinema.
FD: (surprised and happy): Sure sir. Pannalam. I have got a great story for you. Action-Adventure.
Vijay: Go ahead
FD: Sir, this story take place in an uninhabited island. There are no humans, only animals. You are a forest range officer in Andamans, carrying out a survey.
FD; Sir, in reality, the island is not uninhabited; it harbors dinosaurs that have lived there for many years. But nobody knows about it.
Vijay (confused): Apdiya? Why?
FD: Sir, because as I already said, the island is uninhabited. So, nobody lives there to know about the existence of dinosaurs.
Vijay: Oh OK ok. Continue.
FD: You and a pilot are suddenly stranded in the middle, with the plane that you are traveling in developing a technical snag.
FD: Sir the plane crashes in the middle of the island, killing the pilot. You survive, but then realize that you are not alone.
Vijay (bewildered): Why am I not alone??
FD (patiently explains): Dinosaurs are there in the island.
Vijay: Hmm. Marandhiten… Apram?
FD: You search for day and night for food and water, avoiding dinosaurs. But time is running out. You have to find a way to escape from the island.
Vijay: Wait wait wait! Time illa pa. Three hours dhane..cinema mudinjidume!
FD : But sir! I have not even finished one-fourth of the first half!
Vijay: I don’t think you understood what I said at the beginning. I said I want to do something different. Not so radical. Maybe I can suggest a few changes to the script to save the story.
FD (disappointedly): Sollunga Sir, incorporate pannidalam.
Vijay: First of all Andaman madhri foreign countries la ellam shooting vendam. I never shoot outside India except for duets.
FD: Sir, ok, we can change the location to forests of Kerala, Bengal, Madhya Pradesh…
Vijay: Shooting in forests is very difficult. Lots of mosquitoes, snakes…. very dangerous. We can erect a forest set in OMR and shoot there.
FD (half-heartedly): OK sir,
Vijay: And I will not play a Forest range officer. It will be a forest watchman. Will identify more with my fans.
FD (tears in his eyes, mentally hitting himself with Bata chappals): Super touch sir!
Vijay: Apram plane la pilot irupanga nu sonneengale? Change it to a lady-pilot. We will book Anushka for the role.
FD: But Sir, in this movie there is no heroine!
Vijay: Ippo irukanga la. I always believe in giving equal roles to my heroines. Heroine illama epdi movie??
FD: Ok sir. Avangalayum ungaloda sethukalam.
Vijay: Good. Appo intro song airport la shoot pannidalam. Apram apdiye plane la pora madhri oru shot.
FD (with impending signs of panic attack): Intro song ah? Ok sir OK
Vijay: Apram plane la pogum bodhu oru item number. Mumait Khan ah podalam. Dream sequence.
FD: Intha padathula item number….
Vijay: Work out aagum pa. Trust me. Enaku neraya experience iruku. Evlo padam panniyiken..
Vijay: Heroine ku oru angle venum la. Anushka is running away from her mama who is desperate to marry her. Prakash sir ah vena nan ketu pakaren dates iruka nu.
FD: Apram Sir?
Vijay: Apram oru dappan-kutthu number venum la. Marandhuten. Adha forest setting la edukalam. Vijay Antony music. Apram oru fight scene. Prakash Raj oda. Then I save Anushka and we get back to our village and live happily ever after. Epdi story?
FD (resignedly): Sir aana indha padathula dinosaur iruke…
Vijay: Adha vena villain oda rowdies akidalam. Graphics use panalam.
FD : Sir appo padathoda per?
Vijay: Super per vechiruken. Palli.
Oru punch dialogue kuda ready panni vechiriken. Dinosaur kitta climax fight la use pannadilam
“Nan Ghilli da, ne verum pazhaya kalathu Palli”
Eppo shooting aramikalam?
FD (mentally checking out the places in Chennai to commit suicide): Sir neenga deivam.! I ve never heard of such a storyline before. Innovative. Super!
Vijay (thinking) This time Oscar enaku dhan!!
P.S: The director did not commit suicide. He wandered off to Varanasi and became an Aghori. Last seen, he was an extra in “Nan Kadavul” movie.